“Happiness is a decision we make; We have the choice to find peace in apologies that never came.”

For the past few weeks I have been afraid to write anything because I know that means I have to gather my thoughts and finally analyze them. All I’ve done in my free time is overthink and it is only after a recent conversation that I realized, my overthinking has created problems that were not even there in the first place.

And so, after a long day of reflection and more enlightening conversations, I am back in this website to write and express the thoughts that have consumed my well-being.

Between us two, I know I am not the only one when I say- my feelings scare me. It’s quite a common reaction for us human beings to fly when we are overwhelmed.

Recently, I have figured out that it’s not my feelings that scare me but the truth that comes along with it. It’s knowing why I am acting this way- it’s being aware of where my pain is coming from.

And that is from the things and people I love the most.

It’s a simple truth, the people we love the most also have the power to hurt us the most, and that is why we avoid it and settle for a sheltering lie.

We choose denial over acceptance.

We do not give other people the opportunity to break us.

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I have spent years confused with my emotions and myself not understanding why I’m trying so hard to avoid the “good feeling” that comes with loving new things. It’s because sometimes even after we thought we have healed, we let the memory of hurt stay and resurface on moments that feel a little too familiar.

In this case, being happy can remind us of the sadness that comes with losing that feeling. We are upset because we know it’s temporary so before it is even over, we end it.

On a homily I have attended a few months back, the priest read a quote that said “The path to enlightenment is not a path at all but a metaphor for the time it takes for us to allow ourselves to be happy.”

Sometimes, we are so caught up worrying about our past that we allow that to shake our present. It’s true that happiness is not an emotion we can just choose to feel, but it is also true that it is a decision we can make.

We can choose to do things and be with people who make us happy.

We have the freedom to reorder our life and priorities.

And we have the choice to find peace in apologies that never came.

It all boils down to allowing yourself to be all of those. The good news is though, just like me, you too can decide if today is the day you say yes.

Yours, Yna.