Making Room

Have you noticed how us filipinos are such memory hoarders? I think I’ve read one or two articles about that. One was about why memory hoarding was making it hard for us to grow and let go and one was just plain observations of our culture here in the Philippines. They happened to mention memory hoarding as well. That explains why we keep almost everything with us - even the unnecessary things. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only who boxes everything up.

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This Enhanced Community Lockdown made me go through our old boxes that are stored away in an empty room. - It took me the whole day to pull them out. I had to wear masks, gloves and eye glasses to refrain my allergies from showing up.

As I was going through the boxes, I noticed how much random things we kept just because it holds an interesting story. For example, our old sun broadband. Did you guys use one before? It’s like this flash drive looking thing where you put load in so it has internet. I’m not sure if that’s how it really works but that’s how my little self remembers it.

Well, I found it all boxed up and dusty. When I showed it to my sister we almost died laughing. You see, when I was around ten - me being the annoying little sister (bunso), was watching my big sister (Iya) use the laptop. It’s not necessarily her though that I was watching. What peeked my interest was the different colors the broadband was making while it was being used. It changed colors every second, from red, blue, green, and yellow. I would literally shove my face near it and stare in amusement.

Of course, my sister being the bully big sister she is supposed to be, got annoyed I was bothering and invading her personal space. So, she decided to prank me into believing that after three days I would turn blind. I cried for three days straight and prepared myself to see nothing but darkness.

Anyway, isn’t it crazy how objects become powerful tools that hold so much memories? How a single piece of anything random remind us of someone we love or used to love. I still have all the things my past high school crushes gave me. Things like teddy bears, bracelets, love letters and old developed pictures.

That explains why some exes like to return each other’s stuff. I remember complaining all the time when I was in the process of moving on that every damn thing reminded me of my ex. The couch, my gym bag, the kitchen, everything! It was tough. I couldn’t even stay at home for a long period of time because I would end up crying. Luckily I had friends and family who knew this, so I was always invited out. I guess that’s what makes it harder for us to move on. When even in objects, places, music and words we are reminded of things that used to be ours.

One thing that my Mom told me is that I have to live with the fact that those reminders and memories are never going to go away. That I’m going to have to learn how to live with them. And she’s right, for a while I hated remembering everything. Every memory, every word said and every feeling I felt.

But now that I think of it, there are two roads I can take.

One, I can hate it, like how I usually do. I can let it take over me and let it affect my whole perspective - on how I see the situation to whom it involves. To continue to be angry because it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to and because those who promised to stay did not. It’s much easier to feel angry than hurt.

Or two, I can learn how to be thankful for what was. For the joy it gave me before and the lessons I learned from it. To understand that like us, they’re probably also going through a journey; a journey that does not involve us anymore.

And if it isn’t an obvious choice yet, the second one seems to be a better road to take.

Maybe it’s okay to remember everything. The spontaneous car rides, the loud songs sang inside, the crazy adventures, awkward firsts and even the sad good byes.

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From how the butterflies in my tummy went crazy when he first said he loved me to how broken my heart felt when he said it for the last time.

Maybe when we remember, it’s purpose is not to hurt us but to remind us that things used to be beautiful and that they will be again soon. Maybe our response when we remember should not be anger, rather gratitude. It might all be over earlier than we thought it would be but It’s still a blessing to have felt a love so real.

But in the midst of remembering all of these I hope we don’t forget one important fact. That none of them are coming back. That the characters in these flashbacks are from books that we’ve already closed. That the scenarios that are creeping inside our heads from time to time were just chapters and not the whole book. That those are just short stories made to build up the actual plot, made to build up the main character - you.

It’s okay to remember all of the things you loved about him; but never forget why it had to end. That it’s over. It’s gone and all in the past now.

Your past doesn’t need you anymore; he definitely doesn’t need you anymore. Love is a choice we make everyday and it’s time to face the reality that you weren’t his.

Smile when it hurts, it means it was real. Be thankful it ever happened. If you were able to love the wrong guy that much, what more if you find the right one?

Love is beautiful, don’t let him make you think otherwise. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. There is more to life than a guy who couldn’t commit to the promises he made you - who couldn’t commit to you. If he isn’t the one, then let him walk away. There is nothing you could do that could have made him stay. Maybe at this moment your journey is not about finding mister right. Maybe it’s about discovering yourself.

My love, you were too dependent on his love for you. Stop crying every night thinking where it went wrong, what more you could have given. To the wrong person, we will never be enough no matter what we give. To the right one, no matter what we lack, it will always be enough.

It’s time to box all of these up and store them away. Like old pictures and love letters, it’s okay to visit these kind of memories from time to time. However, the past is not a good place to stay in.

Make room for the new set of memories you’re going to make. Stop reserving seats for people that are never coming back. Appreciate what’s there; let go of what isn’t.

Yours, Yna.

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This blog is dedicated to a special friend; As I sat there eating a cup of cookies n cream ice cream I knew that for the hundred times I eat that certain flavor, it will always bring me a thought of you.

My song playlist while writing:

• Leaves

• Photograph

• Passenger Seat