“Where I am now is not who I am but part of who I will be.”

After going through the heaviest work-loaded year of my life I thought that when summer finally came, I would have a lot of free time in my hands to finally use for myself. I wanted to at long last rest, take care of myself and make up for the things I had to put on hold so I could focus on my work and academics.

Ironically the opposite happened and I found myself more restless than ever because having the extra time did not only mean all that but eventually having the space and energy to face what I had been distracting myself from- what I had been setting aside.

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As I reflect on my past experiences and where I want to be in the future, I find myself disconnecting from my purpose. I have never felt this type of broken where I have lost the sense of who am I or once were. To say that I have not been myself is a complete understatement. It would be more correct to claim that I haven’t found myself anywhere at all- not lost, not wandering but gone.

So I do what I always do when I feel this way. I trace my steps back and figure out when it started to feel this way. And although I can not pin point the exact day, time or even month of when, I do know one thing; That I started losing myself when I started wanting to be someone else.

And how can I not?

Our age has been described as one of the most competitive and aggressive there is yet. Our environment today has unintentionally taught us that we can never settle for anything below average.

I had to be great.

I had to keep up.

I had to be known.

Most people in my age were soaring. I know some in magazines, walking the runways, owning progressive businesses, going viral for their talents- I see them happy. And where was I?

Here- just here.

Making the same mistakes, going through the same tiring loop, with no signs of progress, and still healing from the same old wounds.

It’s so easy for us to become jealous. To envy- even what isn’t for us. To look at another and compare. To belittle how far we’ve come and achieved nothing close to what others have.

But as the clock ticked and time felt faster on this night that I am writing this, I realized one thing.

That there is still time and there is enough space.

There is time for me to figure all of this out and that there is enough space for all of us to grow beautifully. Today is not my day but tomorrow might be. I am nobody’s competition and the little by little I do is a lot put together.

I am grateful for STILL being here and in the right time, I will have my turn.

Where I am now is not who I am but part of who I will be.

Yours, Yna.